Zelophobia

Zelophobia is an intense, lasting fear of jealousy: of feeling jealous yourself, of being the target of someone else’s jealousy, or both. The word joins the Greek zelos (jealousy, zeal) to phobia (fear). It is not a diagnosis in its own right and there is almost no research on it; a clinician would assess it as a specific phobia.

Also called: fear of jealousy; being “zelophobic”. The term comes from lists of named phobias rather than from clinical manuals, and a search of the medical literature returns nothing under the name.

Signs and symptoms

Because the fear hasn’t been studied, what follows is how it tends to be described, read through what is known about phobias in general:

avoiding relationships or commitment, so that there is nothing to feel jealous about
hiding good news, achievements or a new partner, for fear of other people’s envy
a racing heart, sweating or dread when jealousy, your own or someone else’s, shows up
asking a partner for constant reassurance, or checking on them, to keep the feeling away
harsh self-judgement when you do feel jealous, as if the feeling itself were shameful

For something to count as a phobia, the fear has to be out of proportion to any real risk, last for months, and either be avoided or endured with great distress.

What jealousy is

Jealousy is the reaction to a threat of losing something you value, most often a relationship, to a rival. It mixes fear, anger and sadness. Envy is its cousin: wanting what someone else has. Ordinary jealousy is a normal human emotion and passes. At the far end sits delusional jealousy, a fixed, false conviction that a partner is unfaithful, which is a serious psychiatric condition and can be dangerous to the partner. Fearing jealousy is different from any of these.

Causes

No study has looked at why someone comes to fear jealousy. Phobias in general often start after a frightening event or a stressful period, can be learned from family or friends, and are more likely with a family history of anxiety. It is reasonable to suppose that growing up around a parent’s explosive jealousy, a relationship that ended in jealous rages or violence, or being hurt by a friend’s envy could do it, but that is supposition, not evidence. Low self-esteem and depending heavily on a partner are known to come before pathological jealousy, and may play a part here too.

Treatment

Treatment follows what works for specific phobias, where the evidence is strong. Exposure-based CBT, which means facing the feared feeling or situation in planned steps rather than avoiding it, beat no treatment, placebo and other therapies across 33 trials, and more sessions did better than fewer. In practice that might mean letting jealousy arrive and noticing it pass, staying in a relationship through a jealous moment instead of ending it, or sharing good news with someone safe. Where a relationship is involved, couples work and communication skills help. A doctor may prescribe an antidepressant or a beta blocker for anxiety symptoms, but talking therapy comes first.

In Nigeria

Fear of other people’s jealousy has a familiar shape here: not announcing a pregnancy, a promotion or a new car, in case of “bad eye”, envious relatives or village people. Some of that is plain prudence in a close-knit community. It becomes a problem when the fear runs your life, when you can’t enjoy anything good, or when you end relationships to avoid ever feeling jealous. There is no Nigerian research on zelophobia, so we make no claim about how common it is.

Zelophobia vs jealousy vs relationship anxiety

Feeling jealous is an emotion; fearing the emotion is zelophobia. Relationship anxiety, the constant worry that a partner will leave or lose interest, is closer to an anxious attachment style, and often comes with jealousy rather than fear of it. Delusional jealousy is a psychiatric condition in which a person is certain of infidelity against all evidence. If you are afraid of a partner’s jealousy because it has turned into control or violence, that is not a phobia; it is a danger, and help exists.

When to get help

If a fear of jealousy is stopping you from forming or keeping relationships, or you spend hours a week managing it, you can book a licensed therapist on Mytherapist.ng who works with anxiety and phobias, or with a partner through relationship and marriage counselling. If a partner’s jealousy has become threatening, call 112 (or 767 in Lagos); the full list of helplines is on our helplines page.